Clootie Pudding and Christmas Chaos..... Yay

December 25th 2017

Chritmas Dinner 2017

      Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Quansa/Solstice/Eid al-Fitr or whatever made up holiday floats your boat. I, like a growing number of people in the western world are largely taking the Christ out of Christmas. It has morphed into a secular event centered on guilt and consumer consumption or over consumption as it turns out. Guilt over the 60 hours a week that you work  so your loved ones can be decked out with the latest of everything to compensate for all the growing up you've missed. 

      Now that I have you all cheered up. I had a great Christmas. I was up at 8:30 and pleased to find no presents for me under the tree. This was shaping up to be a fabulous day. I couldn't find the coffee maker. The lovely Lisa has been prepping for two days already. Cranberry sauce and pickled beets made from scratch Casa Lisa sausage stuffing ready to meet the breadcrumbs and then the turkeys butt hole yum yum! Numerous root vegetables, Carrots, rutabaga, turnips, parsnips, sweet potato and squash, blanched and ready to be finished in the oven. So I made a cup of instant Jo and sat down to watch the year in review on TSN until the lovely Lisa gets out of bed. The lovely Lisa made a pot of coffee when she got up at 10. I gave her the card filled with sappy sentiments and stuffed full of scratch and sniffs. I call them that because you scratch them then you sniff back tears as the government confirms you're a loser! Ho Ho Ho

        Eleven o'clock rolled around and with it the chaos began. Jen and Christian and Fiona and Matt, formerly Mark, I only met him at Jen's wedding in August and I've been calling him Mark ever since. Anyway they showed up with the kids, Bella, Christo and Anna still in their pajamas. It was great watching them open their gifts. I had no idea what they were getting since I haven't bought a gift since 2005. They seemed suitably pleased and then they went to watch a show while Christian and Matt helped me put the living room onto the front deck and the banquet tables into the living room. We can seat 24 people in the living?Banquet room. We are expecting 30 people. I would suggest you grab a seat when the music stops or you'll be eating on your feet!

      Once I had all the furniture moved I sent them on their way. They were hung over pretty good. Matt and Fiona are visiting from Ontario so the party never stops30 minutes. I remember those days well. Making French Toast in the Murray's kitchen half lit before the first basketball game started! Rum and eggnog for breakfast then Bloody Mary's till the football game starts then onto the beer! 

      No you're not seeing double. Chef Boy R Lisa's recurring nightmare is running out of food. Never gonna happen! Two ovens full of turkey and a 15 pound ham on the BBQ. The lovely Lisa was up and down the stairs like a basting Banshee "SQUAAAAATCH! Get down here and help me flip this bird!" came the melodic warble of my beloved wife! "I'll flip you the bird from here." I said quietly under my breath. Chef Boy R Lisa cooks her turkey breast down for the first 30 minutes then she, with my assistance, flips the screaming hot bird onto it's back while I hold the even hotter roasting pan in position hoping to avoid a recurrence of the 2011 turkey fat scalding episode. The aroma starts to fill the house. Like Pavlov's dog my bell is rung! I start to salivate as the sausage stuffing joins the cornucopia of olfactory delights permeating my existence. My nasal induced reverie was shattered by the "request" that I start peeling potatoes. That's my job on these occasions when Willy and Annie are not with us. 20 pounds and two hours later I was Mr Potato head No, I was King Potato head!! I had enough potatoes to feed all of PEI!

      My brother in law Peter showed up 4 hours early. I feel bad for him because there was no one else here. Mind you Peter is socially awkward so a crowd doesn't really help. The lovely Lisa and I were very busy so he was left to his own devices.About 4 o'clock the gang started to arrive and with them came even more food. Mark and Lea brought multiple deserts Mark and Sherry brought fresh fruit and their lovely daughter Emily. Everybody brought something to the point that we had no room to put the food let alone the people. The level of noise increased expotentially when the Horde from Maple Ridge arrived. Then Michele and Ronin and Gord and Sharrie got here just as the birds were coming out of the oven. No sooner were the birds out than the root veggies went in. Already blanched they took only 15 minutes to reach perfection.

      Sherry, our sister in law and also a chef carved the turkey and the ham. The parents came and loaded the kids plates and Bro Steve put together a plate for Mama Lee. After that it was Aussie rules buffet! People were bobbing and weaving all over the place. Plates loaded with all the best stuff. The lovely Lisa made a salad. I call it the lonely salad. when you have ten veggies, ham, turkey mashed potatoes and gravy salad just doesn`t make the top ten! 

      For me the coup detat was the Clootie Pudding. An exotic mix of dried currants, raisins, molasses and beef suet boiled for hours in a pillow case and served warm with Birds Custard. Linda Gregg and her husband Dougie, pronounced Doogy in the true Scottish tradition, made it from her Mammies Recipe. I have to admit I squirreled it away putting only a wee bit out for the gang and I didn`t make the custard until boxing day...it was fabulous!

Clootie Dumpling and custard

      After dinner we took down one of the tables and with 4 guitars, a mandolin and a set of Bongoes we formed a song circle and played till about 11 o`clock. Bill taylor, Mark and Lea Sheldon, Dougie and Linda Gregg, Bro Steve and Mark Geraghty all contributed their incredible talents to our little song circle.

      I especially want to give Kudos to the lovely Lisa, the best hostess the world has ever seen. Also to Sherry Geraghty for all her help in the kitchen and to our friend Paul who did the dishes. Gord and Sharrie for being with us and Gordon Duffy for being the Johnny on the spot, jumping in whenever needed. I also want to thank Matt, Christian and Adam for drinking all the beer and eating their dinner standing up!

      I hope your Christmas was as good as mine. I hope you were able to see through all the stuff and touch each other where it counts. Not there Ya Dirty Bastards! I`m talking about inside, about bonding with the people in your life in the spirit of peace and love.

That`s all I`ve got 

Till next time 

Peace Out Yàll

      .

Ho Ho Ho or Ow Ow Ow the Christmas Slipper Saga

December 25th 2017

Gratuitous Nutmeg picture

            I'm a simple man. And I'm not talking about my mind. Though arguments to the contrary have been made. What I mean is I don't want much. Especially not things. Our house, like our lives is absolutely full. We all know that the most valuable things in life aren't things at all. Well, not material things anyway. The truly valuable things are more etheral. They can't be bought or sold they can only be given. A smile on a childs face as they play with the box the toy came in, the touch of a hand with someone you love that sends shivers through your very being. The warmth of the Yule Log on channel 9.  These things can't be bought, except the Yule Log on channel 9, $100 a month for TV! Bastards!

Grandkids opening gifts

     The Great Christmas Slipper Saga

      Like I said, I'm not into the commercial or religous aspects of Christmas. I'm not a Christian, and it's not my birthday it's probably not even Jesus's birthday so the gifting thing never made sense to me. The lovely Lisa and I have made our gift to each other our next trip for the last 16 years. The first year I bought her jewlery and perfume and clothes. None of which she used or wore except for the engagement ring. Ergo the trip thing. I have discouraged everyone from giving me gifts of things I neither want or need for many years. Except for this one time 10 years ago.

      Back to the slipper thing. Ten years ago just before Christmas I blew out a slipper! The sole of the left slipper had come apart at the toe and was flapping when I walked like a pelican eating fish. So I broke down and asked the lovely Lisa for a new pair of slippers for Christmas, Didn't happen. No slippers. I was stunned! Oh Santa why have thou forsaken me?

      I sucked it up. I put a smile on my face realising that you reap what you sow. That was until our 20 or so dinner guests arrived at which point I pontificated on the lack of Christmas slippers to one and all. Including a toast to the missing slippers at dinner. But wait! Just like late night info mercials it gets better!

      The next morning the lovely Lisa has a big box of things that needed to go down stairs in the basement. As I started down the stairs my defective sole flapping slipper that I was still wearing because Santa Lisa stiffed me, caught on the lip of the second stair and I tumbled down the remaining stairs to land in a crumpled heap at the bottom. As I pulled my self off the floor, left shoulder throbbing, I heard the lovely Lisa running to the top of the stairs. As I looked up at her face etched with concern she said "You better not have broken any of that!"

      Three weeks later on my birthday I got 23 pairs of slippers. One pair was home made out of panty liners they were kind of flimsy but you should have seen them suck up a spill! Since then I get a pair of slippers every year. Watch out for my Super Slipper Garage sale later in 2018.

      Since then I have been blessed with incredible amounts of love and friendship. The true value of Christmas. We are expecting around 30 for Christmas dinner. Chef Boy R Lisa  has been prepping and preparing for 3 days. Two turkeys are in the oven, our tenants Tamara and Chris are away for the day so we can use there oven, and the ham on the BBQ. Linda is making Clootie Dumpling and I/m so excited about it. I haven't had it since I was a kid.
      I guess what I'm trying to say is try to keep things in perspective. Cherish the moments and let all the people you love know that you love them. Share with them the gift of time. It's the only thing of value any of us have.
Peace Out and Merry Christmas from the Lovely Lisa and your ever lovin Squatch

" It beats the shit out of the alternative"

April 28th 2017

      Sitting alone at the bar surrounded by people laughing and drinking and mostly ignoring the four musicians pouring their guts out on stage doing a cover of Knights in White Satin and as at all jams it has an 11 minute guitar solo in the middle. The lovely Lisa is on her last day of whatever it is she is doing. Some short film by the guy who does the Flash series, or something .She was being kind of vague....hmmmm. She will be late tonight. They are going to wrap out the truck tonight rather than go in another day. That's when I decided to go to the Barrel Public House to make some noise. I've been here once before and the host remembered me when I walked in 45 minutes late. He had my name on the list before I got to him. Busy place and a good deal for the owners. Lots of music at no cost. Middle aged crowd. That's a Squatchism for half my age. It got me to thinking about how my mind seems to be a lot younger than my body. I don't feel old. Well at least not until I move basically any part of my body!
       Right now Willie Hardie of Willy and the Rented Mules is belting out a sad country tune.  The people are digging it.  Even a couple of grinders on the dance floor. It's that kind of joint. The music ranges from old school country to 80s guitar heavy power metal. I know a few of the players and should be able to put together a pretty good band for my set.
      Back to growing old. Not that I have any choice. Minute by minute, hour by hour we are all getting older. And as someone much smarter than me once said " It beats the shit out of the alternative" I'm sure that's true but some days the alternative seems like a viable option. Usually the day after I do something physical. Like today. Today I cleaned up the alley. A winters worth of pine branches and needles. Then I stopped to go take Mama Lee to the dentist. When I got there I found out Mama Lee wasn't going anywhere. She had been on anti biotic for a while but came off them last week. She was back on them again when she woke with a horrible wet cough. I tried to call the Taxi  and the dentist but her Care Facility must have lead lined walls. I can't get a signal anywhere near that building. I used Mama Lee's phone to call and leave a message at the dentist. I wasn't able to get through to the taxi company besides the taxi driver showed up just moments later. I tipped him 5 bucks and sent him on his way. Mama Lee's personal assistant Victoria came in while I was there. Apparently she now works 3 days a week with Mama Lee. 2 hours a day. I must have missed the memo. We were supposed to be at the Dentist. I got back to the house just in time to get the phone call from the dentist. "Where is Emilee?" It seems the receptionist went home sick and that's why it went to the voice mail which they never checked. They've been my dentist for years and have always been honest and fair with me. This was supposed to be Mama Lee's second visit for a small cavity. Along with the lung infection Mama Lee has gotten it into her head that they are going to pull out all her teeth and she wasn't keen on going anyway. Well, that's a fight for another day.
      A quick bite and I was lawn boy. I think the cold snowy winter took care of the chafer beetle problem to a large extent. I'm not a lawn nut. Short and green is good enough for me. There's a lot of moss and a lot of weeds but from the right angle it looks like grass. It takes about an hour to do the back lawn not counting excess reality breaks. The last week or so it has been raining overnight then clearing up and beautiful by late morning. You can actually see the grass growing day by day. This is the third time I've mowed the back. I've only done the front once. That's because I ran out of gas and it took me a week to go get more. 3 times I had the gas can in the car and 3 times I took it out after driving past numerous gas stations and choking on the fumes from the mostly empty gas can rolling around in the back of the Rav 4. I finally got the gas and did the front and back on Wednesday. Yesterday, just the back and now it's raining again. Oh well!
      I ate a dinner of almond crusted sole and a salad while I watched a hockey/basketball/baseball game. I love my multiple recall. The only game I cared about was the Jays game and they blew a 3 run lead in the 8th and lost 7-4. Man we suck this year!
      The lovely Lisa called. Lunch was pushed on her show   and they were going to wrap out the truck tonight. She wouldn't be home till the wee hours. I wasn't planning to go out tonight but I didn't want to sit home watching the tube by myself. It's about half an hour to the Barrel Public House from Casa Lisa if you take the toll bridge.
      I took the Calle Libre also known as the long way around. I'm one of those idiots who will burn $3 worth of fuel to avoid the $3 toll. I consider it a moral victory. I was at the bar for a couple of hours and a couple of beers before I was up. I saw Dave Daoust in the crowd and asked him to play lead guitar. In a strange kind of kharmatic indifference both the bass player and the drummer were named Kelly Armstrong. I joked we were the David Kelly Quartet. Someone asked what's a quartet. It was pointed out that nobody has been a quartet since the 50s. Man I'm old. We played well together even putting feet on the dance floor. After my set and a few minutes trolling for compliments, I quaffed my last 2 fingers of now tepid beer, paid my tab and slipped slowly into the night. Going the long way home to save the toll. That'll teach em!

P.S: I have been excessively lazy in the picture taking department. You'll have to use your visualization skills.

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Stamped on your ass like a can of beans!

April 26th 2017


      The Fat Bastard may be done but my mind still needs the release of endorphins I get when a thought gets stuck in my brain. It germinates and then ruminates in my subconcious. Reducing my thoughts to a mash of possibilities/probabilities and then I slowly strain out the noise and nonsense and come to what appears to be clarity. That's when I need to sit down and put my thoughts and feelings and madness to paper so they become real. "A thought that's left unspoken can never be proven true" That's a line from one of my songs that has no music...yet. And that's what this Blog is about. Random Thoughts and Meaningless Gestures. No chronology or outline just stuff!
      Today was a day of music and reflection. I manged to ignore the giant pile of laundry in the bedroom by closing the closet door and sat in the living room watching the Excited States implode right before my very eyes. That is if you watch MSNBC. If one more elected lunatic calls Trump Hitler I might just gas myself! A guy from Queens who builds things and a maniac who exterminated 7 million people! The comparison is obvious. While that's going on with the left the right, courtesy of FOX News are pounding Obama for taking $400 k to speak at a Wall Street Function after stating unequivically that he would not be "Going to Wall Street" Bet that's got Bernies panties in a knot! Hillary's okay with it! As long as she gets a taste! Does that seem overly cynical? Good! I meant it that way. I am stunned and dismayed at the lack of intelligent discourse being shown by everyone involved but the hate and venom coming from the left is appalling. They actually make that sleezebag Trump look good by comparison.
      Michelle with one L was looking after her Grandson Evan today. Bright kid who really likes music. We palyed a few songs but what he really likes is to sing with a microphone and a lot of delay. I told him it was broken. Is it bad to lie to a kid who's not yours. I know you lie to your own kids all the time. Santa, the Tooth Fairy, Mum and Uncle Ernie where just wrestling in the bushes at the family picinic! Then he and Michelle with one L baked a cake and heated up a can of beans' not necesarrily in that order. That was my motivation to leave. I wanted to be gone before the cake was out of the oven and the beans started working on Evans digestive track.
       After a couple of hours of yelling at the TV and enough coffee to swell my prostate to the size of a canteloupe I decided to spread my joy and music to the residents of Mama Lee's care facility. So with giant pile of laundry completely out of my mind and behind closed doors and the perculating Evan just finishing up his beanfest, I harnessed up the hounds, okay Ratdogs. Guitar in one hand and bucket of compost in the other I headed out dumped the compost and dragged my cans back onto the property lest I suffer another $500 fine from the Garbage Nazi's. I stopped at the park and let the Ratdogs do their thing. The sun came out about 11 am and it was turning out to be a beauty of a spring day. The Poop Fairy hit the Ratdogs like they were synchronized swimmers. I don't know why but I always feel like I won something when I can pick up 2 poops with one bag. "It smells like Victory" I always take the Ratdogs to the park before going to see Mama Lee. I don't need Elvis peeing on some old ladies wheelchair or Nutmeg leaving a McNugget in some ones room!
      They were just finishing lunch when I got there I sat and talked to Mama Lee while she finished her lunch and set up in the main room at about 12:30. When I say set up I mean I take off my jacket and tune my guitar. No amp, no microphone just me and my 50 year old classical guitar. Love those nylon strings. I have a nice Fender amp that I could play and sing through but I think that singing loud enough for 40 octagenarians to hear me is helping my singing. I see some of them tapping their feet or clapping, sort of. It's not always in time to the music so I'm not sure if the music moves them or if that's just their affliction. Elvis and Nutmeg work the room pretty good during lunch. I think all the residents feed them. Nutmeg is pushing 8 pounds but Elvis is maintaining his Squirrel fighting weight of 4 pounds 11 ounces. Let's just call that one of those random thoughts! I started out playing Marguerita Ville as I usually do to an entirely empty room. The Care Aides started pushing people over in my direction  and I soon had a couple of dozen residents apparently enjoying the music. On the third song I noticed that Mama Lee had gotten herself stuck against the door jamb and was trying to get free. I finished the song and rescued Mama Lee. With Mama Lee sitting center stage I played song after song from my Not Dead Yet song book. I play mostly 60's and 70's stuff. That would make most of the residents in their 20's in 1960. The first generation of rock and rollers! And of course everybody loves Elvis! Elvis Presley too! Three times Elvis stood up to say hello to the woman beside me. Three times she tried to pick him up but wasn't strong enough. I reached over and picked him up and put him on her lap. He settled in like he belonged there. She was glowing as she petted him and her smile never quit. Elvis sat there in her lap for over an hour. That is so not Elvis. He's 15 and a cranky old man! I know this he got it from Me! Looking out at the faces of these people as they wind down their lives, broken in body and mind. To a person, smiling up at me from the restrictions of their wheelchairs or the restrictions of their minds. I often wonder if they enjoy the music or just enjoy the break in the tedium that is their lives. I don't care either way. This could easily be the meaningless gesture part of the show. If I can give these people a few moments of enjoyment after the 90 or so years they gave this country I'm happy to do it. Even if the memory leaves them as soon as I do. I played until 2 pm, 30 minutes past bingo time. Nobody cared and most of the 56 residents were there by the time I finished. Trust me you don't want to be cutting into bingo time! I took Mama Lee down to her room and set up her radio and got her prayer books organised. Her and a bunch of like minded souls pray every day at 3 pm. They think that by all praying at the same time God will be able to hear them better. What if God thinks they're yelling at him? " You're yelling at me? You're yelling at ME?!!" " Fuck you! Here's a tsunami!" " Yell at me will you? Nobody yells at Me!"  Just saying! Hey, read the Old Testament. Between the begettings there was not a lot of warm and fuzzies. Politics and Religion what levels have I sunk to?
      I went home by way of Mundy Park where the Ratdogs ran around peeing on stuff for ten minutes or so. I was just pulling out of the parking lot when the Pound Van pulled in. I'm going to give you the Readers Digest version of the rest of the afternoon. I made dinner. Squatch Fake Baked Fried Chicken, home cut fries and cole slaw. I have been tweaking my recipe for a while now and I think it's just about perfect.
      I had dinner on the table when the lovely Lisa walked through the door after work. She is on hiatus from OUAT until July so Nin, her boss, asked her to do a week on a short film and she agreed. The lovely Lisa and Michelle with one L raved about the meal. I'll do a What's cooking Squatch? video next time I make it. The lovely Lisa had just come from seeing Mama Lee and said they were still talking about show and the dogs and when was I coming back so maybe some of them do remeber. After dinner, with the lovely Lisa ensconced on the couch and a 10 am call time I decided to go to the open Mic at the Pressbox Lounge at the Atrium Hotel in Vancouver. It's my first time at this acoustic open mic. I've gone to their Sunday Jam a couple of times but I really prefer an open mic. I want to play my own songs. I don't get the same buzz from jamming. Any way I get there just before 8 and stopped dead when I walked through the door.Pardon the pun. I walked into the middle of a memorial service. I hadn't even brushed my hair! I looked like the offspring of Albert Einstein and an angora guinea pig! Plus I was wearing my bright orange BC Lions (Roar) Jersey. Thank God the lovely Lisa made me put pants on. I was wearing sweats and they had a caulk stain on the thigh. Write your own joke. So I threw on my jeans. Everyone was in black. I was the preverbial stiff dick at the wedding. A guy came up as I was about to leave and told me the Open mic was going to start shortly. I made my way to the far end of the bar and ordered a beer. There was only one other person not greiving John the former Handyman at the hotel. It had just ended and the guests were milling around catching up and noshing on some appies. I was still full of Squatch Fake Baked Fried Chicken so I didn't even try to poach a single potato skin. The guy at the bar turned out to be a guy I did an Audi commercial with years ago. We were bikers. I know, hard to believe Huh? They started the show with most of the guests still talking and catching up. I couldn't hear a thing so I watched the Oilers beat the Ducks. Yesss! Three groups had hit the stage when the host said are you ready? Yes I am ....not. As I took my guitar out of the case the electrics fell into the guitar rendering it electronically impotent! I love that guitar I knew it had an issue and I took it a couple of places and was told to buy a new guitar. If I buy another guitar I'll be living in the street. Not counting the Lap Steel I have 6 guitars. I have only 2 hands. I borrowed a guitar and hit the stage. Just before coming to the stage I met Jennifer. She was the Bartender the first 2 times I was at the Press Box. She was also John the dead guy's girlfriend. The bar was still loud when I got to the stage. I tuned up and started talking about losing someone close to you. I told them about the year I lost Barb, Henry and Scott all in one winter. By the time I started It Didn't Rain, I had the rooms attention. It's much easier for me to sing it when I don't know the person. I finished the song with a dedication to John. I didn't give them a chance to break into discussion groups I kept talking and spun out the story of the Question about being in love for 15 years and about using the song to get out of trouble with the lovely Lisa. I finished with Walls Aroun d Your Heart because I think it's the best thing I ever wrote and it's never a bad idea to make a good first impression. Jennifer was waiting when I got off the stage. Thanked me for the song and gave me a big hug. I finished my second beer and headed for the door. All the way home I was thinking about life and death and the fine line that keeps us above ground. Like my good Buddy Mike Adams says "Ever
y day above ground is a Good Day" Here John is dead at 31 and Agnes who is 96 and not with us, is still with us. I'm not trying to figure out what's fair and what's not fair. I don't think it's part of the equation. The circle is complete. We all have an expiry date. It's just not stamped on your ass like a can of beans!

Peace Out Y'all
That's all I've got
Till next time

And my spell check isn't working so .... too bad