They took the bandages off my chest yesterday. I may have to switch my halloween costume from Creepy the Clown to Frankinsquatch! When I look down at the 10 inch scar on my chest I thought I was going to puke.- Brianna my nurse told me not to worry that it would fade. She also said wait until you see your legs tomorrow! Man did she hit that nail on the head. I don't think anything could have prepared me for what I saw when they took the bandages off. It looks like my dreams of speedo are long gone. As awful as it looks I know that these are just physical scars. They will heal.
What they don't tell you about is the emotional turmoil you will go through. I don't think I've ever cried this much. I think it's only natural that when you glimpse your own mortality you have these kind of responses. When you look down the end of your bed and see your wife and your daughter doing their best to be brave. When you see your five year old grandson clinging to his father. Bella who is 7 tried to show Christo how to write a get well card. He wasn't having any of that. No Bella I want to tell the Doctor to help Papa. But it's not just when they're there in front of me it's all the time when I think back on my life on the good and the bad, On the people that have been in it and out of it. I weep. I guess at times my heart has been broken both literally and figuratively. While I'm feeling all mushy and sentimental. Before my testicles grow back. I want to apologize to everyone who I've harmed. And those who have grown close to me to know that I love you all so much. But the truth is just like Willie Nelson said
I've got a long list of real good reasons for all the things I've done. I've got a record In the back of my mind of what I've lost and what I've won. I could cry for the time I've wasted but that's a waste of time and tears. Regret is just a memory that's written on my brow.But there's nothing I can do about it now.
We are all the sum of everything that we have ever done of everything that has ever happened to us. I wish I had learned to love more when I was younger. Now that I have a new lease on life I will try to be a better person. To say I'm grateful to be here to share the lives of my grandchildren and all of you is an understatement. And hopefully I'll get over these feelings and stop being a big whiny pussy.
That's all I got
Till next time
I love you Dave...
ReplyDeleteStay strong Dave
ReplyDeleteA close call does put things in perspective, doesn't it ? Do not be ashamed of the feelings you are feeling right now, even the regrets, those are what will make you appreciate like that much more and you will use them, once you are out of the hospital, to remind you to love a little harder and to live a little better. Love you Man, and happy to still have you around for a long time to come.
ReplyDeleteApology accepted
ReplyDeleteI like the retrospective and I get the sense that you are truly alive and living in the moment.
This is the silver lining.
By the way the crying thing is a release. Better to have cried than to have stored heavy baggage that will manifest later in ways you cannot control.
ReplyDeleteGet well ya big lug...
Awe...so happy u made it through. I couldn't imagine a life without you.
ReplyDeleteAwe...so happy u made it through. I couldn't imagine a life without you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that this is happening to you Dave. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. I'm sending you positivity and love. Get well soon! The Dave I've come to admire is a very strong and loving man who takes care of his responsibilities, a man who loves and cherishes his life and his family. You are Human, and we as humans make decisions we regret. We do things we look back on and think, I could have done that better. But you did your Best. You made the decisions you had to make, you reacted to situations the way you knew how to. You are a great man. You've accomplished things in your life, that many dream to accomplish. You are loved. You are admired. You are cherished. And your words, this blog, Dave 'Squatch' Ward's words and thoughts matter, and they help people. They help me. I am thankful for you and what you do. I am thankful you are alive. I love you. I am sending love to you every day I wake up. You got this NED!
ReplyDelete