"You just lie there and rest" that's what every nurse I have had has said. Then they come in a steady stream to make sure you can't actually rest. On my fourth day in the hospital I now have more holes in me than a wlffle ball! The Blood Sucker Brigade have been on me like a monkey on a cupcake. Every 4 hours they have been drawing blood. They're cranking me full of a blood thinner called Heparin trying to get my blood to the proper consistency necessary to do the procedure. Evidently my blood is too thick. Which is odd because I have been on Plavix, a powerful blood thinner, for 12 years! You would think that they would have some kind of spout the could stick in you. Instead of making a new hole every time. Both arms and the back of both hands are bloodless and bruised. All the holes in me reminds me of an old joke.
A Guy goes to the doctor. He says" Doc, I'm having trouble peeing. When I went to take a leak it was squirting all over the place." The Doctor takes a look at hi joint and says "it's full of holes!" The guy says " I'm a dart player and I carry my darts in my pocket " The doctor writes something on his prescription pad and hands it to him. On the paper is a name. "Thank God Doc,
is this a specialist?" The Doctor said "No, he's a piccolo player he'll show you how to hold it!" Bada Bing!
When the Blood Suckers aren't sucking you dry the nurses are checking vitals,blood pressure, temperature and cramming me full of pills. They even woke me up to ask me how I felt. I said I felt like slapping her for waking me up! I was asleep by midnight and between the Blood Suckers, nurses and my tiny bladder I was up 4 times before 5. I've been up ever since.
I've read 40 pages of my book, did a crossword and started writing this. My nurse today is a guy named Lucas, he's a weight lifter who looks like he could bench press me! I'm sure he's a good nurse but I still prefer my little Phillapina nurse Rowena, just in case they need to check my prostate. Lucas has hands like an NBA player!
Speaking of my ass. The Poop Fairy is being less than cooperative. She finally arrived on day 3. I told the nurse I needed to make Boom Boom so she brought me a bedpan. Now here's a visualization nobody needs. A 270 pound man perched atop a plastic bedpan trying not to strain! You're welcome!
That wasn't going to happen. I would shit my pants first. "Oh nurse, clean up aisle Squatchy!!" On the upsides my heart monitor is Blue Tooth so I only have to worry about the I V. Against the wishes of my tiny Phillapina nurse Rowena I unplugged my I V from the wall socket and went to the bathroom. Resigned to my bad behaviour, she brought me a face cloth, towel and a fresh ass crack robe. It took a long time for the Poop Fairy to do her duty,and for me to do my doody! I couldn't push without chest pain. It was like that old Heinze Ketchup commercial. Anticipation, it's making me wait! Enough about Boom Boom.
When I went to wash up I couldn't get my ass crack robe off over the I V. So much for general cleanliness! I did manage to give myself a thorough washing and made my way back to my bed.
It's been like Grand Central Station here. Albert from Surrey has been my roommate since I got here. He was a little bit out of it when he got here and he kept trying to get out of bed, which he wasn't supposed to do because of the catheter they had just put in him. He has had a never ending stream of visitors. They are going to move him to Surrey General Hospital while he is waiting for a triple bypass.
I interrupt this mindless exercise in literary idiocy to bring you a picture of my breakfast that just arrived.
Yum yum! NOT!!!!!
Back to what I was saying. I met Albert's son and his wife. He was wearing a Seahawks hat and is a big fan. We talked for a while and I had everyone laughing until Albert started clutching his chest. I tell ya, I was killing!!
On day two they brought in an East Indian gentleman who not only has a heart issue but had to go for dyalisis for 4 hours. When he returned he brought half of South Surrey with him. He and his family where very nice but very loud. It was okay. I cranked my headphones up to stun and all was good.
The lovely Lisa arrived with my dinner about 6:30. Chicken drumsticks made with five spice powder and who knows what other secret Chef Boy R Lisa ingredients. Gord McT stopped in for a visit and went home with some of Chef Boy R Lisa's grub. After Gord left the lovely Lisa went down to the car and snuck Elvis into the room. I wish everyone was that happy to see me. Here's the thing about visitors to the hospital. I don't like it. I find nothing comforting about lying in a hospital bed looking at the people you love the most with such a look of concern on their faces. I said that to the lovely Lisa, she told me to shut the fuck up! It's not all about you Asshole! Damn I love that woman! She brought me another card this one from our tenant Matty. He took time out from his seventh birthday celebration to make this for me.
That's how the front of the hose looks to a 7 year old.m
About 8 the Paramedics showed up to take Albert to Surrey. He has a 7 day wait for his surgery. I hope I don't have to wait that long!
That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all
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