One day at a time

December 13, 2015


      They took the bandages off my chest yesterday. I may have to switch my halloween costume from Creepy the Clown to Frankinsquatch! When I look down at the 10 inch scar on my chest I thought I was going to puke.- Brianna my nurse told me not to worry that it would fade. She also said wait until you see your legs tomorrow! Man did she hit that nail on the head. I don't think anything could have prepared me for what I saw when they took the bandages off. It looks like my dreams of speedo are long gone. As awful as it looks I know that these are just physical scars. They will heal.
      What they don't tell you about is the emotional turmoil you will go through. I don't think I've ever cried this much. I think it's only natural that when you glimpse  your own mortality you have these kind of responses. When you look down the end of your bed and see your wife and your daughter doing their best to be brave. When you see your five year old grandson clinging to his father. Bella who is 7 tried to show  Christo how to write a get well card. He wasn't having any of that. No Bella I want to tell the Doctor to help Papa. But it's not just when they're there in front of me it's all the time when I think back on my life on the good and the bad, On the people that have been in it and out of it. I weep. I guess at times my heart has been broken both literally and figuratively. While I'm feeling all mushy and sentimental. Before my testicles grow back. I want to apologize to everyone who I've harmed. And those who have grown close to me to know that I love you all so much. But the truth is just like Willie Nelson said
I've got a long list of real good reasons for all the things I've done. I've  got a record In the back of my mind of what I've lost and what I've won. I could cry for the time I've wasted but that's a waste of time and tears. Regret is just a memory that's written on my brow.But there's nothing I can do about it now.
      We are all the sum of everything that we have ever done of everything that has ever happened to us. I wish I had learned to love more when I was younger. Now that I have a new lease on life I will try to be a better person. To say I'm grateful to be here to share the lives of my grandchildren and all of you is an understatement. And hopefully I'll get over these feelings and stop being a big whiny pussy.
That's all I got
Till next time

Time or timing?

December 8, 2015

      A shot of nitro, a shot of morphine, 2 adavan and when the bloodsuckers came to get their crimson reward at 3:30 a.m. I was still unable to sleep. I don't seem to be able to turn my mind off. I did finally manage to catch some sleep but I was awake by 6 a.m. fully expecting the cardiac surgeon to be here sitting at the end of my bed waiting to crack me open. Alas it was not to be. Instead at 8 o'clock they brought me my breakfast a sure sign that they would not be operating anytime soon. They don't feed you when you're going to have surgery. I was to say the least, disappointed. Not about the lack of surgeon, but by the breakfast they brought me!

2 hard boiled eggs, luke warm coffee, orange juice and skim milk. As far as I'm concerned, none of the food groups! I did a few crosswords, read some more of my giant Tom Clancy novel and waited for Dr Kildare to come save me. ( anyone remember Dr Kildare?) Dammit I'm old! Instead my son in law Christian walked through the door. We talked football, Mexican football that is. You know, the kind where you kick the ball with your foot. Not the kind the BC Lions suck at! Mexico plays Canada in a qualifier in March and we want to go. He hung out for close to an hour. The whole time smiling and keeping things upbeat. It was kind of creepy really. Who smiles for that long? I know it's because I said I hate lying in a hospital bed looking out at sad worried faces. He looked like a Mexican cab driver trying to pry a big tip out of a gringo he just drove in circles for 40 minutes! He finally said " should I go now?" "Are you still here " I said. I truly appreciate the effort but I felt like I was holding him against his will!
      Shortly after he left the lovely Lisa arrived with the news that my best friend Stu missed his flight from Comox and Nutmeg.

Stu's wife Karen called to say he was driving down to Nanaimo to catch the Harbor Air flight that got into Vancouver at noon. It was 1130. Off went the lovely Lisa to meet Stu.
      Then came let down number 2.... Lunch!
Salisbury Steak it said on the menu. Hamburger Patty with canned gravy and cubed turnip is what arrived. I ate the burger and a salad that the lovely Lisa brought to me yesterday. The let down was knowing they weren't going to crack me open today. The surgeon does 2 procedures a day. 1 morning, 1 afternoon. Well, maybe tomorrow. Soon I hope.
      Shortly thereafter all hell broke loose! Willy, Wee Davey and Caroline came in with a box of mandarin oranges and a hot coffee.

      Then my old friend René came waltzing in with a couple of cool music magazines.

A 3 chord song book and the ramblings of one of Canada's favorite Celebutards. Just because you write great songs doesn't mean you have the answers to global warming! Just saying.
 To say things got loud would be an understatement! Willy and René new each other from our days hanging out at
Jake O' Grady' s back in the early 90' s. Everyone was talking at the same time catching up. Caroline and Wee Davey are visiting from Scotland and had just got back from a quick jaunt to Alberta. I was so glad they could stop in and see me. They are off to the Island tomorrow before flying home next Tuesday. It was like Saturday night at the pub in my room. Truthfully these are the best kind of hospital visitors. We had plenty of laughs and then they were gone.Leaving me with a smile on my face and a little less worry in my head.
      As good as that was seeing Stu come into my room was even better. He lives in Campbell River and we don't get to see each other very often. We talked books, football and family, pretty much in that order. I was surprised he was able to get away. The pub where he works recently changed hands and his youngest daughter Allie is moments away from popping out her first child. Stu is like me about babies. Bring them to me when they're walking and talking! I'm not interested when they're poopy smelling cry machines! Potty trained and walking,that's for me. I don't like holding babies so when someone gives me one I pinch them hard on their little asses. They cry, Mom takes them away never to be held by Papa Squatch again!
      The lovely Lisa had to do some running around and no sooner did she leave when the surgeon's resident showed up to get my information. Several dozen questions later he had all the answers he needed. I had none of the answers I needed. Mind you I only had one question. WHEN?? His answer, maybe this week!! The rate they're giving me Morphine I'll be a junky by the time they fix me!

      The lovely Lisa came back with dinner about the same time as the hospital dinner and Jennifer arrived. The lovely Lisa brought meats and cheeses and salad. The hospital brought meatballs and brown gravy that was strangely reminiscent of lunches Salisbury Steak. Stu ate it. I had cheese and salami and salad.

      Shortly after dinner I all of a sudden felt very tired. Everyone left and its the quietest it's been all day. It's 10 pm now and the Morphine is kicking in. I'm not crazy about how it makes me feel. Itchy!

      Any way I'm living in Limbo until I get my triple bypass. I hope it happens soon. There are only so many interesting things that can happen in a 4 bed cardio ward.

That's all I've got

Till next time

Peace out Y'all

Blood Suckers, bedpans and a steady flow of traffic

December 7,2015

      "You just lie there and rest" that's what every nurse I have had has said. Then they come in a steady stream to make sure you can't actually rest. On my fourth day in the hospital I now have more holes in me than a wlffle ball! The Blood Sucker Brigade have been on me like a monkey on a cupcake. Every 4 hours they have been drawing blood. They're cranking me full of a blood thinner called Heparin trying to get my blood to the proper consistency necessary to do the procedure. Evidently my blood is too thick. Which is odd because I have been on Plavix, a powerful blood thinner, for 12 years! You would think that they would have some kind of spout the could stick in you. Instead of making a new hole every time. Both arms and the back of both hands are bloodless and bruised. All the holes in me reminds me of an old joke.
      A Guy goes to the doctor. He says" Doc, I'm having trouble peeing. When I went to take a leak it was squirting all over the place." The Doctor takes a look at hi joint and says "it's full of holes!" The guy says       " I'm a dart player and I carry my darts in my pocket " The doctor writes something on his prescription pad and hands it to him. On the paper is a name. "Thank God Doc,
 is this a specialist?" The Doctor said "No, he's a piccolo player he'll show you how to hold it!" Bada Bing!
      When the Blood Suckers aren't sucking you dry the nurses are checking vitals,blood pressure, temperature and cramming me full of pills. They even woke me up to ask me how I felt. I said I felt like slapping her for waking me up! I was asleep by midnight and between the Blood Suckers, nurses and my tiny bladder I was up 4 times before 5. I've been up ever since.
     I've read 40 pages of my book, did a crossword and started writing this. My nurse today is a guy named Lucas, he's a weight lifter who looks like he could bench press me! I'm sure he's a good nurse but I still prefer my little Phillapina nurse Rowena, just in case they need to check my prostate. Lucas has hands like an NBA player!
      Speaking of my ass. The Poop Fairy is being less than cooperative. She finally arrived on day 3. I told the nurse I needed to make Boom Boom so she brought me a bedpan. Now here's a visualization nobody needs. A 270 pound man perched atop a plastic bedpan trying not to strain! You're welcome!
      That wasn't going to happen. I would shit my pants first. "Oh nurse, clean up aisle  Squatchy!!" On the upsides my heart monitor is Blue Tooth so I only have to worry about the I V. Against the wishes of my tiny Phillapina nurse Rowena I unplugged my I V from the wall socket and went to the bathroom. Resigned to my bad behaviour, she brought me a face cloth, towel and a fresh ass crack robe. It  took a long time for the Poop Fairy to do her duty,and for me to do my doody! I couldn't push without chest pain. It was like that old Heinze Ketchup commercial. Anticipation, it's making me wait! Enough about Boom Boom.
      When I went to wash up I couldn't get my ass crack robe off over the I V. So much for general cleanliness! I did manage to give myself a thorough washing and made my way back to my bed.
      It's been like Grand Central Station here. Albert from Surrey has been my roommate since I got here. He was a little bit out of it when he got here and he kept  trying to get out of bed, which he wasn't supposed to do because of the catheter they had just put in him. He has had a never ending stream of visitors. They are going to move him to Surrey General Hospital while he is waiting for a triple bypass.
      I interrupt this mindless exercise in literary idiocy to bring you a picture of my breakfast that just arrived.

      Yum yum! NOT!!!!!
      Back to what I was saying. I met Albert's son and his wife. He was wearing a Seahawks hat and is a big fan. We talked for a while and I had everyone laughing until Albert started clutching his chest. I tell ya, I was killing!!
On day two they brought in an East Indian gentleman who not only has a heart issue but had to go for dyalisis for 4 hours. When he returned he brought half of South Surrey with him. He and his family where very nice but very loud. It was okay. I cranked my headphones up to stun and all was good.
      The lovely Lisa arrived with my dinner about 6:30. Chicken drumsticks made with five spice powder and who knows what other secret Chef Boy R Lisa ingredients. Gord McT stopped in for a visit and went home with some of Chef Boy R Lisa's grub. After Gord left the lovely Lisa went down to the car and snuck Elvis into the room. I wish everyone was that happy to see me.             Here's the thing about visitors to the hospital. I don't like it. I find nothing comforting about lying in a hospital bed looking at the people you love the most with such a look of concern on their faces. I said that to the lovely Lisa, she told me to shut the fuck up! It's not all about you Asshole! Damn I love that woman! She brought me another card this one from our tenant Matty. He took time out from his seventh birthday celebration to make this for me.

That's how the front of the hose looks to a 7 year old.m

      About 8 the Paramedics showed up to take Albert to Surrey. He has a 7 day wait for his surgery. I hope I don't have to wait that long!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Creamed corn and mushy peas

 December 6, 2015

     I want to start by apologizing to anyone  who is unduly worried about my health. I didn't write yesterday's blog looking for attention or sympathy. I wrote it because it has become my mechanism for releasing stress and pressure. A sort of literary venting. I most definitely appreciate all the kind wishes and good thoughts. After a year of Who's a Fat Bastard blog l have  come to realize how therapeutic putting your thoughts down on paper can be. Or in this case talking to my phone. There's no Wi-Fi at the hospital so I'm using up my data and it takes a while to download pictures.
      The lovely Lisa  brought my CPAP late yesterday afternoon so I could sleep and we had dinner together. The hospital dinner was creamed corn, mushy peas and something that was reputed to be a beef stir fry but looked more like beef vomit. Chef Boy R  Lisa, caterer supreme, brought me pork loin, coleslaw and salad, yummy!
      The nurses have been great and I'm in a four bed room in the cardio ward waiting for my Angio Gram. My cardiologists said they're going to go in and take a look around. He told me he has read my file and doesn't know if another stent will be appropriate. He started talking about bypass and I didn't want to hear about it. I said just wait and see what's going on before we make any decisions.
      I will, of course do that if that's what has to be done but I don't want to. I figure if the Wizard can give the Tinman a heart without cracking him open like a walnut, hey, WTF!!
     I slept like a baby last night and woke up about 0600 feeling refreshed and ready for anything. That is anything besides the food they brought me. I drank the lukewarm coffee, ate a banana and an orange that the lovely Lisa had brought me yesterday and sent the rest of the crap back to whatever hell they dragged it out of.
      Jen and Christian came by with the Grandkids mid morning. Bella and Christian made me get well cards.

Bella was okay, talkative and energetic as always but Christopher was silent and clinging to his father. He looked so worried. I kept it upbeat and positive. I must must've told him a dozen times that they were going to fix Papa up no problem. When they left I took their cards into the bathroom and had a little cry. The thought of not being around to see them grow up is more than I can stand.
      At lunch time the lovely Lisa showed up with more goodies. A cup of tuna salad and some lettuce leaves for wraps as well as more coleslaw. Man, I won the lottery when I tricked her into marrying me. While we were eating our lunch the orderly brought in the hospital lunch. I never even looked at it. They are aware that I do high protein, low carbohydrate and that I am diabetic. It doesn't seem to make any difference. My breakfast this morning consisted of yogurt with 14 grams of sugar, oatmeal with brown sugar and a glass of orange juice which is essentially a glass of sugar. The orderly didn't even blink when I told her to take it away I guess I'm not the only person who would rather eat their own flesh than the crud they serve. At this point I'm rambling on about their awful food when I'm not even eating it. Thank God for Chef Boy R Lisa. She's already brought me a nice salad some avocado and ham for dinner and is coming back to have dinner with me later.
      So Here I am writing this blog on my phone which is not as easy as one would think. The freaking screen is tiny and the voice to text app seems to have been developed by a hair lip! Stupid thing seems to only understand one out of every 10 words. I've already finished one Sidney Sheldon novel and I'm halfway through a 950 page Tom Clancy novel.

Jen brought me a puzzle book and the lovely Lisa brought me a crossword puzzle book, so I have a lot of distractions to pass the timeand occupy my mind.
      Thanks again for all the good thoughts and allowing me this forum to vent. On the upside with the weight I've lost over the last couple of years I might be able to fit into a regulation sized coffin. I was thinking about being cremated but that was when I thought they were going to have to bury me in a piano case!

That's all I've got
Till next time
Peace out Y'all

Paying the Piper.

December 5th 2015
     Well Ollie, you've done it again! Time to reap the crops I've sown. The pigeons come home to roost and the Piper must be paid. I quit smoking 8 years ago. I changed my diet completely 20 months ago, I lost more than 50 pounds of ugly fat without having to cut my head off! Yet still I'm sitting on the edge of a hospital bed staring out at a slate grey sky contemplating my mortality for the fourth time in ten years.

     As always the lovely Lisa is by my side offering me comfort when she should be up skiing at Cypress Mountain with Michele and Bro Steve. Last years passes went largely unused as there was no snow.

      I arrived at the Emergency room last night at about 7 with My chest tight as a drum and my jaw and shoulder aching. We arrived at emergency just after five ambulances with victims from a motor vehicle accident. Fortunately, for me, heart issues supersede the occasional broken bones. One of the individuals was a five year old girl unhurt and telling anyone and everyone about the crash as loud as a five year old girl can. That's somewhere between an Air raid siren and the foghorn they blow at Canuck games when they score a goal...anyone remember that sound? The poor kid and her Mom had to be cut out of the car. The girl without a mark on her. At any rate I digress.
      I was comfortably in bed in the emergency ward within the hour. It was busy and honestly, I was hoping they were going to put me in the Tim Hortons. I could have went for a cuppa Jo and a jelly donut!
     The lovely Lisa headed for home about 9:30 with the promise to be back before 3 a.m. right after she left they took me down for chest xrays and an ECG. When I got back to my cubicle I quickly nodded off. When I woke up at 2:30 a.m. there was the lovely Lisa sitting by the side of my bed. Stayed with me for about an hour and then I convinced her that I needed to sleep and so did she.

As you can see, I'm in good spirits and though I'm a bit scared of what is coming down the line l have been through this 3 times before so there are no surprises but the last time was no fun. My first angioplasty I was awake and watched them move the wire into my heart and insert the stent. I was laughing and joking with the doctors while this was happening. The second angioplasty we had to use an attachment called a cutter to remove the build up of plaque in my arteries. I was awake for that one as well but I was neither laughing or joking. My third trip to the operating room was the worst! Up until then they had inserted the wire through the femoral artery in the groin. Halfway through the procedure I was in such pain I was not able to stay still on the operating table. Not the ideal situation when they're in the process of sticking a wire into your heart. They had to remove the wire from my groin put me under and go in through my wrist corsage! I've already asked the cardiologist Dr Leung to go through the wrist, knock me unconscious and don't wake me up until I'm healed.
      The nurses are amazing here, both in the Emergency and on the Ward. By the way, one of my early nicknames was "Mental" Ward. It didn't last for long as I soon graduated to Psycho Ward after an unfortunate incident involving an asshole and a pool cue.
      My nurse today is a tiny Phillapina named Rowena. Kind and gentle as long as you do what she says. Otherwise she's mean as a snake!
     They moved me up at 8:30 this morning and tried to feed me what passes for breakfast in the hospital. Food fit for a King! Here King. Come on boy, powdered eggs and oatmeal!!Yummy!
      I saw the Cardiologist about 11:00. I'm fucked! I definitely have another blockage. They're going to try to fit me in today but in all probability I won't have the procedure until next Monday. Until then???? I have no pain so I won't even get any of the good drugs!
      The lovely Lisa brought me a nice salad some pork loin and some fruit. I already have half the nurses on the Ward coming by for the wisecracking giant guy! I hope I'm still cracking them up come Tuesday.
     Oh yeah it was my friend Ian's birthday the other day and I never got around to wishing him the best. Keep on rocking Dude when I get right I'm coming to jam with you!
     So that's where I'm at. Putting on a brave face but really I'm scared shitless. My father died on the operating table at 58 years old. The same age I am now. I know that's not relevant, yet it weighs heavy on my mind.

That's all I got
Till next time
Peace Out Y'all

Paying the Piper.

December 5th 2015
     Well Ollie, you've done it again! Time to reap the crops I've sown. The pigeons come home to roost and the Piper must be paid. I quit smoking 8 years ago. I changed my diet completely 20 months ago, I lost more than 50 pounds of ugly fat without having to cut my head off! Yet still I'm sitting on the edge of a hospital bed staring out at a slate grey sky contemplating my mortality for the fourth time in ten years.

     As always the lovely Lisa is by my side offering me comfort when she should be up skiing at Cypress Mountain with Michele and Bro Steve. Last years passes went largely unused as there was no snow.

      I arrived at the Emergency room last night at about 7 with My chest tight as a drum and my jaw and shoulder aching. We arrived at emergency just after five ambulances with victims from a motor vehicle accident. Fortunately, for me, heart issues supersede the occasional broken bones. One of the individuals was a five year old girl unhurt and telling anyone and everyone about the crash as loud as a five year old girl can. That's somewhere between an Air raid siren and the foghorn they blow at Canuck games when they score a goal...anyone remember that sound? The poor kid and her Mom had to be cut out of the car. The girl without a mark on her. At any rate I digress.
      I was comfortably in bed in the emergency ward within the hour. It was busy and honestly, I was hoping they were going to put me in the Tim Hortons. I could have went for a cuppa Jo and a jelly donut!
     The lovely Lisa headed for home about 9:30 with the promise to be back before 3 a.m. right after she left they took me down for chest xrays and an ECG. When I got back to my cubicle I quickly nodded off. When I woke up at 2:30 a.m. there was the lovely Lisa sitting by the side of my bed. Stayed with me for about an hour and then I convinced her that I needed to sleep and so did she.

As you can see, I'm in good spirits and though I'm a bit scared of what is coming down the line l have been through this 3 times before so there are no surprises but the last time was no fun. My first angioplasty I was awake and watched them move the wire into my heart and insert the stent. I was laughing and joking with the doctors while this was happening. The second angioplasty we had to use an attachment called a cutter to remove the build up of plaque in my arteries. I was awake for that one as well but I was neither laughing or joking. My third trip to the operating room was the worst! Up until then they had inserted the wire through the femoral artery in the groin. Halfway through the procedure I was in such pain I was not able to stay still on the operating table. Not the ideal situation when they're in the process of sticking a wire into your heart. They had to remove the wire from my groin put me under and go in through my wrist corsage! I've already asked the cardiologist Dr Leung to go through the wrist, knock me unconscious and don't wake me up until I'm healed.
      The nurses are amazing here, both in the Emergency and on the Ward. By the way, one of my early nicknames was "Mental" Ward. It didn't last for long as I soon graduated to Psycho Ward after an unfortunate incident involving an asshole and a pool cue.
      My nurse today is a tiny Phillapina named Rowena. Kind and gentle as long as you do what she says. Otherwise she's mean as a snake!
     They moved me up at 8:30 this morning and tried to feed me what passes for breakfast in the hospital. Food fit for a King! Here King. Come on boy, powdered eggs and oatmeal!!Yummy!
      I saw the Cardiologist about 11:00. I'm fucked! I definitely have another blockage. They're going to try to fit me in today but in all probability I won't have the procedure until next Monday. Until then???? I have no pain so I won't even get any of the good drugs!
      The lovely Lisa brought me a nice salad some pork loin and some fruit. I already have half the nurses on the Ward coming by for the wisecracking giant guy! I hope I'm still cracking them up come Tuesday.
     Oh yeah it was my friend Ian's birthday the other day and I never got around to wishing him the best. Keep on rocking Dude when I get right I'm coming to jam with you!
     So that's where I'm at. Putting on a brave face but really I'm scared shitless. My father died on the operating table at 58 years old. The same age I am now. I know that's not relevant, yet it weighs heavy on my mind.

That's all I got
Till next time
Peace Out Y'all